Once upon a time there was a princess named Lara. Actually, that is not how my story began at all, and I suppose you'd like to here it in a nutshell. Okay, let's begin again.
Some princesses are born with crowns on their heads, and I was not. Others are born with red carpets in castles with silver platters, silver spoons, and silver dreams.
I was born a dreamer, but I was not born a princess - not until I was born again by asking Jesus the Prince to be my Lord and Savior (and that did not come until decades had passed!)
My father called me a princess as a girl, but this was in humor. I knew nothing about princesses other than they lived in castles and foreign countries. And, despite being raised with the blessing of plenty of love and provision, I thought of myself as anything but a princess. . .
After all, how could a post traumatic stress disorder-ridden, depressed, anxious, self-mutilating, hopeless, negative, anorectic, alcoholic, suicidal, woman raised in a Jewish family without God, subsequently atheist, then agnostic, finally generic-God-believing, woman who went from an Ivy League education to food stamps, charity care, welfare, and disability, not to mention rejected by family and abandoned by two husbands, think of herself as a PRINCESS?
I will never forget lying curled up in a fetal position having flashbacks from childhood in a New York City apartment desperately wanting out - of pain, misery, hopelessness, despair beyond measure, and an ongoing temptation - along with several concrete decisions - to commit suicide.
Here is the short version of a long story that continues even as I write.
I somehow - and desperately - found myself in therapy, self-help groups, recovery programs, doctors' offices, hospitals, and on medication. I was introduced in a recovery program to a generic God who simply was a being in the sky that would hear my prayers - and not necessarily answer them. I knew nothing more, though I had wandered in and out of some churches. I do not recall a single instance of anyone ever sharing the true Gospel of Jesus Christ with me, though certainly His name came up in conversation a few times.
Facing one of the greatest losses I will have ever endured on this earth, I sat on the beach one day in Belmar, New Jersey, with an acquaintance. I was past broken. I ran to the public restroom, multiple stalls and all, to unleash my sobs. I spoke four words to a generic God. "Please God help me."
I returned to the beach. A piece of white crumpled up paper - garbage, it seemed - lay near where I sat once more. I will never know why I opened the crinkled paper and peered at the words, but I found within the greatest gift I have been given on this earth.
A very simple prayer. That night, on my hands and knees on the floor in my small, Hoboken, NJ, bedroom, I spoke the words aloud.
"Dear Lord Jesus, come into my heart and be the Lord of my life. Let the Holy Spirit fill me with all your peace and all your joy. Help me to become the person you want me to be, to walk down your path, to do your will, and to glorify your name. Amen."
I was subsequently saved and filled with the Holy Spirit without a single human or church around. I had met the Lord.
The experience was so awesome - including in an auditory and visual sense - that I initially thought I had gone over the deep end and called my therapist. Had I been hallucinating? I thought I might need to get locked up!
"Is it possible that something good has happened?" my therapist asked, apparently sharing my lack of understanding in the enormity and indescribably phenomenal experience of Jesus Christ coming into a heart. Little did we both know - Jesus Christ through my prayer and confession of faith had saved my life, given me eternal life, blessed me with an inheritance beyond description, granted me a new way of life should I choose to follow Him, and made me a Princess in God's Kingdom.
I then made the biggest mistake I believe I have ever made. I did not find a church, I did not find a pastor, I did not immerse myself in the Body of Christ, and I did not begin to study and apply the Bible to my life. Quite simply, I did not do what was necessary to follow the Lord I had invited into my heart and life. So for years to come, I would wander around saved - but more lost than ever.
I had found the answer to my life, I had become a princess, but I had not done what was necessary to learn to live like one. I had been born again by grace through my newfound faith, and I had been created to be His Princess. But there is a difference between being created to be something and learning to live as we are created to be.
When I did at last fill my life with a church, pastor, the Bible, and the Body of Christ, I was shocked to find my life circumstances worsened. I had already lost the welcome and acceptance of my family due to a decision I had made to uncover something my family wished not to share regarding an experience I had, but now I began to endure other hardships in life - including continued struggle with addiction, as well as abandonment by two husbands.
But as my challenges worsened, some of the greatest opportunities I have ever had arose. God had given me a new heart when I asked Jesus to be my Lord, but I had allowed my heart to harden. Worse yet, I made church and my fellow Christians as well as pastors a higher priority than developing a personal relationship with the Lord.
The opportunities? When I brought my brokenness before the Lord, He showed me how He had used my misfortunes to take the hardness off my heart and to begin what He had wanted to do all along - to transform my mind, my heart, and my life through study and application of His Word that I would learn to live as the Princess He had created me to be.
God refused when I implored Him to change my circumstances, but He gladly began to change my heart - assuring me in my spirit that as my heart changed, my life circumstances would change as well (or that, at the very least, I would be able to handle them in a new way and witness Him to bring beauty out of ashes and good out of evil). He could never guarantee me a pain-free life, but He promised me in His Word to take care of me as I walked side by side through my life with my very best friend - Him.
Today, despite all I have walked through in my life, I can say this with the utmost sincerity. I love the Lord with all my heart, more than anything or anyone, and I desire beyond all else to love and serve Him and His Creation exactly as He has called me to do.
As my life unfolds forward, I find life sometimes gets easier - and sometimes harder. But there is a difference from before. Today, I do not walk alone. I walk with a knowledge and acceptance of the Lord's undying love for me - and the realization that no matter how many people hurt me, wound me, leave, and forsake me, I will never lose the Lord's love. His love truly never fails, and His mercy as He walks me out of the darkness of sin into the light of life lived in the fullness of His love, really is forever.
One of the greatest gifts He has given me - and one available to us all through faith in Jesus Christ - is to love every single person who has ever hurt me, with the love of Jesus.
My story is not over yet, but I can say one thing for sure. Today, despite my history, I know I am a Princess. And, without a shadow of doubt, I know who is my Prince. His name is Jesus.
Amen.
PS I would be remiss if I did not share with my fellow princesses that by the grace of God I am free today from alcoholism, anorexia, post traumatic stress disorder, self mutilation, depression, and suicidal desires. I am no longer on welfare, food stamps, charity care, and disability. Quite simply, I live for Him. He is my first Love.
